"CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKE" SMOOTHIE {gluten free + vegan}

For when it's a million degrees out and you need a refreshing and decadent snack. 


Guys, I have a secret I must get off my chest. I had a revelation a few days ago: I don't like soft serve ice cream anymore. For the first time in my life, I can relate to Adam Sackler on Girls — specifically when he described it as "sweet mucus". I may go back on my word, but right now it just doesn't appeal to me. I still like gelato (I'm not a monster), but classic vanilla soft serve doesn't do it for me anymore. I've always been anti-chocolate soft serve, because it tastes nothing like chocolate and that just seems wrong to me.

As a teenager, I spent two summers working at the local ice cream parlour and I ate a lot of ice cream. Whenever the bosses would leave, I would grab a bowl and make myself a "baby" sundae, with all of the toppings: salty caramel, raspberries, rainbow sprinkles, nuts, crushed up skor bits, and the list goes on. If you hadn't noticed, I love condiments and toppings. Yet, even in my ice cream heyday, I could never wrap my head around one thing: milkshakes. If you've never made one IRL, essentially you take a 20+ ounce glass, fill it 3/4 full with soft serve ice cream, add milk and chocolate syrup, and blend it using the machine with a spinning stick. Sometimes people would ask to have extra "thick" milkshakes, which just meant more ice cream and less milk. That's more ice cream than anyone should ever consume in one sitting! I could go on but for everyone's sanity I'll keep it at that. If you would like to know more about my thoughts on milkshakes, come see my stand-up entitled "Milkshakes and other things I rightfully hate". It's currently showing in my mother's basement. 

Despite my best efforts to avoid milkshakes, I accidentally created something that is very milkshaky. But it's healthy and delicious, and doesn't have the gross aftertaste ice cream always leaves me. Even though, as I type this, it's 12°C and pouring rain IN THE MIDDLE OF JUNE, I continue believing that summer is right around the corner. If you live in a similar climate, try fooling your brain into thinking it's already warm and sunny with a festive chocolate and peanut butter smoothie. If you're already experiencing "summer" (firstly, fuck off!), this is a delicious and refreshing treat. And it's so healthy that you could have it for breakfast. Now, enough talk and just go make it!





Add all of the ingredients to a blender and blend until smooth.


  • 2 frozen (ripe) bananas
  • 2 tbsp peanut butter
  • 2 tbsp raw cacao
  • 1/2 tbsp chia seeds
  • 1/2 tbsp flax seeds
  • ~2 cups almond (or any) milk  
  • Handful of ice
  • Optional: 1/4 cup gf oats

* Use less milk if you want a thicker smoothie.
* Use more ice if you want the texture of a slushie. 
* You can replace the almond milk with iced coffee.
* You can add a handful of spinach for a health boost, and you will hardly be able to tell it's there.